Skip to main content

Denied Pleasure.

Once upon a time in la la land...I had some peace of mind (if you can call it that). If peace of mind meant sleeping peacefully most of the time, ignoring all the coldness, denying all good vibe quotes and recreating my version of the same …then yes, I had peace of mind. Music and ladoos were more than enough to make up for every lack I had in my life. I was happy.


I can't say that I am 'sad' now, but I am definitely not at 'peace'. Sleep seems to have broken up with me completely, but somehow I wanted my nights and days to be longer despite that. Why? Because this was probably the only time when I would be able to talk to him, help him untangle his crazy mind. I close my eyes every time to conjure up images of him. The way he smiles, the way he frowns, the way he lays his hands casually on his steering wheel, the way he secretly looks at me through the rear view mirror, And his scar OMG... I can’t express how badly I am in love with his scar. I could admire it all and smile to myself while lying down on my bed trying to sleep without the fear of getting caught. The worst part is - I wasn't even complaining. Even in my mind I had stopped blaming him for stealing my peace of mind. What good will it do, anyway?


I knew I was addicted to him. Mr. Black Lungs.


All I could do these days was waiting to see his texts first thing in the morning and wait for night to come so that I could be alone with him- in my thoughts at least. I didn't even realize when my obsession with him reached new heights, take a whole new turn and become something deeper! So deep was he seated in my heart and mind that it scared me even. Where did this come from? This strong urge to claim him as mine'? Since when did lusting after him become my favorite hobby? Since when did the behavior of my hormones became alarming? When I saw him at the temple premises, amidst the crowd I didn't even wait to debate whether he was there for real or it was just a fragment of my imagination. I just knew it’s him! That's the way my senses worked these days when it concerns him- I just know it when he's around. I wanted to laugh seeing him all helpless and clueless that day when I was drunk! His unpredictability amused me at times. May be it was his fragile inside mind which came as a breath of fresh air for me - something I so badly wanted to explore right now- all by myself, bit by bit. I tried putting my thoughts into actions- not once but repeatedly- only to be rejected by this guy every time to whom I was greatly addicted! Only someone like him could reject me - when I am literally offering myself in a platter for him. It was beyond frustrating!



But somewhere...deep, deep down inside, the lady in me was smirking in victory! It was just too obvious that this guy denied me all the pleasure. And denied pleasure is the most desired one. How couldn’t he figure out! This was maddening to say the least! All I could do these days was fantasize about him whereas the object of my addiction was blissfully oblivious. How I envied his peace of mind! Even bouts of cold shower did little to dampen this addiction. He was there present in everything I owned. Like all tiny aspects of mine. And our reality could potentially be much more beautiful than all my dreams ever could be.



He was slowly, but surely driving me crazy- and I wasn't complaining.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Rains And Ruins.

W ords should not be kept for later because they thrive on mood and my mood is nothing less than a pendulum, so I thought I should pen it down. It's not Monday today but I still got the blues. When I say blues, I literally mean the bluish tone in my otherwise curtain-coloured reddish room, along with the pretty melancholic climate. I hate the dark clouds that get clogged in the sky refusing to pour in, but I love when it finally rains. It's like the clouds have vented out their long-held pain. It feels liberating and very refreshing.  I don't quite feel like working in this climate, rather I would be sitting on my terrace, watching the rain, sipping tea (which I am doing even now to avoid falling asleep on my laptop). But the sad truth is I can't go up on my terrace, not at least for the next 2 months, the renovation works are going on and I badly miss the only beautiful, picturesque location in my house. The staircase bricks are cracked to build newer ones and there
5 comments
Read more

This is Where I Belong.

I am here today, dawdling back on the days, hours, minutes and seconds, that haven’t paused to wait for me to heal, that have drifted past as I remained still in the same place, reminiscing the numbness as I walked out your door. The tangible and the intangible cascade of feelings that I grew out of, explains just how inexplicable it’s always been with you, and always will be. Sometimes, I wonder what went wrong ,  how much of myself I left in you, and in the wake of us. It had never been like a perfect narrative, but it wasn’t all shortcomings and flaws! Trust me, you were the person I wanted to plunge into the future with. To get strange, sad, beautiful and sometimes a little gross. It was never about settling down but more fondly about taking off with you, to new adventures, horizons and life. But now, I no longer want to go back in time and love you harder. I don’t belong in there and this is my knowing that life goes on.  There is more to life than just chasing someone
2 comments
Read more

“If you survive, you must remember that I love you”

Despite being in immense pain, the young mother still thought about her only child.   The depth of intimacy for her child was immense, unfathomed and ever so subtly conveyed that a mother's love is far greater  that anything in the universe. During the Japan Earthquake, the world sensed the strongest pull of humanity in a young mother who made shield of her body to protect her child amidst the disastrous collapsing. She left a note saying, “If you survive, you must remember that I Love you”. Her body was sputtering, rasping and pitch cold, but her ultimate sacrifice was the protective affection for her little one. It gets me thinking, of all the awful lot of drama, anxiety, anguish and contradictions for the several years. This small thought of appreciation is for you mother… my brilliant, remarkably independent, capable, fierce, gorgeous woman, whose greatest pride is in being my father's wife, and in being my mother. She is such a true character, in every sense of the w
Post a Comment
Read more