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Denied Pleasure.

Once upon a time in la la land...I had some peace of mind (if you can call it that). If peace of mind meant sleeping peacefully most of the time, ignoring all the coldness, denying all good vibe quotes and recreating my version of the same …then yes, I had peace of mind. Music and ladoos were more than enough to make up for every lack I had in my life. I was happy.


I can't say that I am 'sad' now, but I am definitely not at 'peace'. Sleep seems to have broken up with me completely, but somehow I wanted my nights and days to be longer despite that. Why? Because this was probably the only time when I would be able to talk to him, help him untangle his crazy mind. I close my eyes every time to conjure up images of him. The way he smiles, the way he frowns, the way he lays his hands casually on his steering wheel, the way he secretly looks at me through the rear view mirror, And his scar OMG... I can’t express how badly I am in love with his scar. I could admire it all and smile to myself while lying down on my bed trying to sleep without the fear of getting caught. The worst part is - I wasn't even complaining. Even in my mind I had stopped blaming him for stealing my peace of mind. What good will it do, anyway?


I knew I was addicted to him. Mr. Black Lungs.


All I could do these days was waiting to see his texts first thing in the morning and wait for night to come so that I could be alone with him- in my thoughts at least. I didn't even realize when my obsession with him reached new heights, take a whole new turn and become something deeper! So deep was he seated in my heart and mind that it scared me even. Where did this come from? This strong urge to claim him as mine'? Since when did lusting after him become my favorite hobby? Since when did the behavior of my hormones became alarming? When I saw him at the temple premises, amidst the crowd I didn't even wait to debate whether he was there for real or it was just a fragment of my imagination. I just knew it’s him! That's the way my senses worked these days when it concerns him- I just know it when he's around. I wanted to laugh seeing him all helpless and clueless that day when I was drunk! His unpredictability amused me at times. May be it was his fragile inside mind which came as a breath of fresh air for me - something I so badly wanted to explore right now- all by myself, bit by bit. I tried putting my thoughts into actions- not once but repeatedly- only to be rejected by this guy every time to whom I was greatly addicted! Only someone like him could reject me - when I am literally offering myself in a platter for him. It was beyond frustrating!



But somewhere...deep, deep down inside, the lady in me was smirking in victory! It was just too obvious that this guy denied me all the pleasure. And denied pleasure is the most desired one. How couldn’t he figure out! This was maddening to say the least! All I could do these days was fantasize about him whereas the object of my addiction was blissfully oblivious. How I envied his peace of mind! Even bouts of cold shower did little to dampen this addiction. He was there present in everything I owned. Like all tiny aspects of mine. And our reality could potentially be much more beautiful than all my dreams ever could be.



He was slowly, but surely driving me crazy- and I wasn't complaining.

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